thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
