you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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