my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
