Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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