I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
