My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
