nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
