she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
