I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
