There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
