Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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