genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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