I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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