He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
