I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
