Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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