No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
