The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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