Only a mothe r could love this liver
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
