if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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