Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
