A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
