Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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