Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
