3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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