Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
