I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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