is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
