I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
