Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
