You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He is an equal opportunity slut.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
