apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
