I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
