im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
