I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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