Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
