Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
