You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
