Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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