Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
