I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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