i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
