I just threw up on my dentist
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
