even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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