You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
