I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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