Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
