Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
