You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
