He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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