I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
