Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
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no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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