I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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