I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
