After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
