its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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