pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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